Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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