her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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