You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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