I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
