$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
ugly people sure do ruin things
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
