she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
