I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
