drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
