remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
