cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
