I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
