But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
