My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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