for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
