We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
