Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
