i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
