i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
