this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
