So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
