it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
