apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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