it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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