hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
