oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
