my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
