Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
