I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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