i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
