Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
