dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
