Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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