She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
