why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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