I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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