I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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