making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
