after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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