I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
