sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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