Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
