first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
