im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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