Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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