She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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