I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
