Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
