So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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