So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
