The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
