Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
