I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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