Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
