i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
