lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
